Home Manager. Momma. Hairstylist. Artist. Lover. Fighter. Everything and anything.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's a real shame one can't choose their family members...

I apologize for my lack of attention and dedication to my writing, we've been dealing with some heavy, heart breaking, and angering things lately.

A little back information is required; back in August - when Jessica was due to deliver and we were set to move the last week of the month - was my brother in law's wedding. For anyone who has helped with a wedding, be it your own, a friend, or family member, can attest that it's a lot of work, and can be very stressful. I myself dealt with my fair share, being that I was so heavily involved with major parts of the wedding. Weeks, maybe even days before the wedding, the bridesmaids dresses arrived and were available to be picked up and altered. A ton of issues with those - to the point that my cousin(in law) and I had to swap dresses because my dress was too big, and hers was one too small(yet, not a perfect match for either of us, and I had to have her dress let out, and she had to have my dress taken in for them to fit us). The dresses ended up costing us more that half the cost of my wedding dress - we were not too pleased. Aside from this, I made 120 cupcakes, made my first wedding cake, and their wedding topper. Being in the wedding party and that they didn't hire any help for the day, I lead the wedding party(well the girls at least, the guys were getting tanked I assume) in setting up all the tables for the buffet that was supposed to begin right after we all made our entrance to the hall. While icing 120 cupcakes... As you can imagine, my stress level was high.

Upon returning home after the wedding, I was greeted by a filthy kitchen, and messy living room. On a good day, I would shrug this off, but after what I had just endured for the past few weeks, I was livid. I went to bed, and the following morning we went off to my father in law's to visit with the newlyweds and my husband's out of town family members. It was the afternoon, maybe early evening when we got home, and my sister and her boyfriend were sprawled on the couch, the house in the exact same condition as the night before. They returned to their room when we came in, and while unpacking our things, our one puppy Fenway pooped on the carpet.

This set me off, and I yelled for them to do their chores right away; and Joe had the nerve to come out and in a very rude tone say "Well you could have just asked". Emmanuel freaked out on him, and rightfully so - how dare he speak to me in that manner after everything we had done for them and that baby... From taking Jessica in when she got in trouble with the law and ran away from home, to being deceived and only finding out after 3 months that Jessica was pregnant, taking what little bit of money we had for Christmas for ourselves and giving it to her so she could go visit Joe while we opened nothing Christmas morning, we had an extremely tight budget yet I found a way to GIVE her $100 every month(until Joe moved in, we just could not afford to do it), all the nonsense we dealt with from Joe's parents(from his mother saying things like how she 'sense' spirits, and that there wasn't one for the baby, therefore it meant they were going to abort, or lose the baby, to her trying to have my husband arrested when we came to pick up Joe for him to move in), Jessica running away and us taking her back even though she said some really nasty things to us, letting her 'drop out' of school and I began homeschooling her, letting Joe move in after he turned 16 without a dollar from his parents to help support him, putting up with his laziness and complacent attitude, the list goes on and on...

All while we housed them, fed them, bought things for the baby(large ticket items too, like the carseat), attended every one of her OB appointments with her, forced her to eat when she said she wasn't hungry(being a teen girl she had body issues), buying food or litter for her cat when they were stupid and wasted their money on junk food instead of their child or pet, being the ONLY people in the world who said "you can do this, you have the potential", rather than telling them to abort. Hell, we offered to adopt the baby, but they were too immature to realize personal feelings shouldn't come before the welfare of an innocent child(the reason they said no was because they couldn't stand to see their child call someone else mom and dad)... We had CAS in our lives as well as a therapist for her, which put our own daughter at risk of being taken away if they felt she was in harms way being around Jessica. We offered to take them on vacation THREE TIMES during the short period they lived with us, but because two were camping trips Joe had none of it.

Getting back to the point, this turned into a huge name calling match and my dad drove for 9 hours each way to retrieve them, rather than telling them to suck it up and stop running away from their problems like they always do... Nope, my dad, the man who is supposed to love me and care for my well being as well as his only grandchild(at the time), decided that fucking us over was the right thing to do. He knew we would not be able to afford the move without Jessica receiving any government funding(which she would receive as soon as she popped out the baby, before the move was to happen) because we had liquidated all savings we had to stay afloat while these two unappreciative asses lived with us. During all this - the day before the wedding - we had a tribunal hearing for our landlords. I won't go into detail as this post will turn into a novel, but the gist of it all is I was under so much stress I did not have a period for 6 months. Six freaking months. And for those who don't know, we had been trying to conceive for a year. I underwent tons of appointments for physicals, ultrasounds, and endless amounts of blood and urine samples, but nothing was wrong with me medically. So imagine how I felt, watching this unappreciative teen who got knocked up by her stupid boyfriend and couldn't even take proper care of herself(she cut and did drugs while pregnant, who knows what else), I was, and still am angry and jealous that we have had such a hard time this time round, and she was blessed with this beautiful gift that she has the ability to destroy by poor parenting...

Somehow after all this, I still felt like I had to 'save' my father and sister. My father was(and still is) drowning in debt, and dealing with depression. My sister would not be able to raise that child on her own. We decided to put our credit at risk, and we used our grocery and bill money and rented a Uhaul van, and moved in with my dad, as originally planned. $1,000 and four months later, and we are still catching up on our finances. We are at risk of having our hydro bill from the last apartment go to collections, we nearly had our cell phones cut off this month because of our $600+ phone bill... We're not living the high life by no means. Yet we arrived, and Joe was living here - something we made very clear could not happen for us to move in. The house was DISGUSTING. I'm taking 14 years of nicotine and dust built up on the walls and every piece of furniture that had not been moved since we visited in March(which we made clear at that time, that the living room was to be cleared out, and I was going to send money for a steam cleaner to be rented and used on the filthy carpet), a grimy and health hazardous kitchen, a bathroom that was not fit to be used it was that dirty... When we arrived, we had enough floor space in the living room for our mattress. At least we had a place to sleep, right?

The entire time we have lived here, I have fought tooth and nail with my father. From his relentlessness to allow his items to be put in storage, or all the garbage/broken items to be disposed of, or taking a moment out of his action packed day(he is unemployed, that was sarcasm) to drop off a load of donations... He is a hoarder. Not like the tv shows, but pretty damn close(though he would never EVER admit that), to simple things like making room in the fridge for our food. I've never seen such a pig headed person in my life. All it's been since we've lived here is how we can make his life better, and fast. Yes, we moved in to help with the finances, but I am not going to go without(when I have spent the last year living bare minimum already, I'm not going to go with even less), nor will my child. Every nice gesture we have tried to make hasn't been enough. He honestly thought we were all going to pool all the money everyone had every month, pay off all his bills/expenses/maxed out credit card and put savings aside for his vehicle maintenance, and then I guess divide whatever was left for everyone's spending money? Great idea in theory, but I'm not going to have someone else control that much of my life(especially one who has failed to pay so many of his bills previously, as well as while we have lived here).

What person, let alone grandparent would say this "You know, it really annoys me seeing you being able to finish your Christmas shopping when I can't even put food on the table"? I'm sorry you fucking suck at finances. I'm sorry you think having a vehicle, insurance on it, gas, buying smokes, going to the bar to try and get business for your guitar 'business', are all more important to you than paying your bills or feeding your two sons or yourself. Yup, I feel REAL bad for you. 6 months ago, yes, but after watching you fail to do anything to help yourself for the 4 months we've lived here, I don't have an ounce of compassion for you anymore.

We are able to buy the things we can because of proper budgeting. I would love for us to have a vehicle, but guess what, we cannot afford the monthly payments, let alone the insurance so I would not even consider looking right now. Even with our two outstanding bills, we have been able to reduce our bill to around $400, and next month we begin making payments on our old hydro bill. And guess what it took? Basic math, and a few phone calls. I will not feel sorry for buying my child gifts for Christmas if I physically can(I am so thankful for sales), and leave programs like Toy Mountain for those who cannot. I'm sorry I bought my daughter a new snowsuit and boots rather than looking to charity or second hand stores, because I waited for them to go on sale(that, and my mother offered to pay back majority of the cost). I will never purchase anything full price if I don't have to. I coupon so we can eat better quality food. I will not be made to feel bad for buying 10 toys for my child for Christmas. That's all she's getting from us. There are other items as well, but they were either purchased months ago(all her "Santa gifts", books on sale, end of season clothing), or homemade(dollhouse, knitted poncho). And even if she gets more than that, we've made it possible by going without elsewhere.

Getting kind of off track though, Jessica and Joe ran away from their problems, yet again, moved to his dad's - his dad fought with him and he fell down the stairs, so they ran away to his mom's place... Well we told Jessica before she even gave birth that if the baby ever came in contact with Joe's mom, that we would call CAS on them. She agreed. She was well aware this would happen. It wasn't an empty threat. So I did. I also had heard that Joe's dad had beaten him, not that they had been arguing on the stairs, and Joe pulled away from his dad who was pulling him upstairs(so they wouldn't wake up the baby), and Joe fell down... I felt that with the information I was given, that it was not a safe environment for the two teens, let alone their child. I will never feel bad for calling, because in my eyes there was and still is danger in that baby's life. I actually am rather upset that CAS didn't work harder to locate the baby(I did not know Joe's mom was living nearby, from what I understood she was still living in Oakville, and I guess because of this, they couldn't pursue... So basically if you beat a child, you can move jurisdictions and keep on abusing... Awesome program you have set up CAS).

We recently(as in 4 days ago) had a CAS worker show up at our door while we were out, I called the number on the card, and we had from then(around 2pm) till 10:30am to make our house acceptable in CAS's eyes. The house at this point was not too bad, just an over all cleaning of the place, it was just the kitchen and Jessica's old room that needed a ton of work. We cosleep, and JUST put her bed into storage so my art desk could move from the living room to the bedroom to make more room for Pinxit to play, so 5 garbage bags later, a lot of scrubbing, vacuuming, and organizing, and Pinxit now has a temporary room(which was previously inhabited by Jessica, Joe, and the baby, and I have photos that would shock you... dirty diapers and wipes on the floor, rotting food, cat litter and feces on the carpet, poop or vomit on the floor, etc). While doing this, my father had the nerve to inform me that the room was still Jessica's and I basically shouldn't be touching her things/making it a room for Pinxit because if anything were to happen between Jessica and Joe, it's rightfully hers. I had already yelled down to him and my older brother to come clean the filthy kitchen(as I have done basic cleaning on it - scrubbing out the fridge, all counters, and top to bottom scrubbed film off of one corner of the kitchen - but I refuse to be their bitch and clean up anything I don't use/our food comes in contact with), and my father didn't lift a finger. I retorted to his comments with something along the lines of "...And if that happens, she can take it back. But I will not have my child taken away so she can have a room here."

When Joe's mom called CAS on them, we all busted our asses - myself the most - so that the house was baby proofed and clean enough (it was in a horrid state at this point). My father was in on the help too, so you can only imagine how I feel about my father right now. Me, my family, are yet again second rate to "precious Jessica", and though I have recently confronted him that he doesn't love me as much as Jessica(or at all), he has just proved again that I don't matter. Who the fuck would sit back and watch as people slave away cleaning a home that doesn't even belong to them, and not offer to help, knowing what the outcome could be if the CAS worker is not satisfied? And yet my husband protected him and said there was no need to have the fire marshal come inspect the basement as it likely isn't up to coding, and did not allow the worker to inspect downstairs(we do not allow Pinxit downstairs so she had no reason to insist)...

Our case will be closed, as the reason we were being investigated was that we; beat our child, we live in an unsanitary home, and that we fight in front of our child using profane language. Yes, the home when we moved in was not fit for inhabitance in my opinion, but I've worked long and hard of getting it in order. It will never be perfect so long as my brothers and father live here. There's only so much one person can do. We do not beat our child, for people who may not be able to ever have another child do you not think we would hold extreme importance on the one we do have, more so than we previously did? And laugh if you want, but we do not fight in person. Since our first fight when we began dating, we have always done so through texting. I am for the most part, passive(though it has gradually started to change in the last year). I LOATHE fighting. That, and I am not that good at speaking, especially when it comes to emotional topics, I do best with writing. I find I am most honest if I don't have their eyes peering back at me. I don't know why, just am. The only time there have been fights in front of Pinxit, they have all involved Jessica and/or Joe.

Therefore, we know who called; because the only people who have been allowed into my father's house are a few of my younger brother's friends(who walk from the door to his room), and Jessica and Joe. No one else is allowed passed the front door, the very select few have been allowed in the front hall. Whether or not they made the call themselves, I likely won't ever know as I plan to never speak to them again, but whoever called got their bogus information from them. Therefore, I hold them completely accountable for it. I have so many ill thoughts towards them, it frustrates me that I can't stop thinking about it. I also have a ton of resentment towards my father, because I can only assume he knew about this(or now knows from speaking with Jessica), and the way he has continued to treat us through all this. Once we are financially able to leave, we will. We were going to help repair this house, finish all the incomplete renovations, we were even going to take out a loan to completely redo the kitchen because of the condition it is in, but no more. He can keep digging his hole, and fall deeper into his self inflicted depression, I just don't care anymore. We moved 9 hours away from people who would KILL for my child, my husband, and likely even myself. These people love us unconditionally, and we repaid them by tearing ourselves out of their lives to try and help these ungrateful wastes of space. I wish we could undo it all, uninvite Jessica to live with us, offering to help out my dad, everything.


  1. Love ya Hun. I wish you weren't going through this. No one should have to take care of their parent(s) the way you are doing. I know that I've had issues with your hubby but I love you guys and I truly hope things get better soon for you. I would have taken that little baby too if he needed someone. I hope he is ok. Love you guys. (((hugs)))


  2. Although I was familiar with most of the problems with Jessica, it breaks my heart to see it in writing - sort of 'in my face' if you will. My heart goes out to you guys you have done more than anyone else would have done for them. I too worry about the baby - the poor innocent little guy does not deserve to have parents who are so immature and self-centered. My only wish is that CAS will eventually catch up with them and then the wee guy might have a chance. I'm afraid that there is really no hope for Jessica and especially for your father. He deserves to sit in his own filth and decay - it's what he deserves. You have tried to help him but he has no gratitude in him and I am sure nobody else will even try. I hope you guys can see your way clear to get 'the hell out of there' soon. Call me whenever you feel like 'venting'b- I am a good listener and can be very sympathetic. Pls don't feel guilty over anything you have done or bought for Pinxit - she is definitely your first concern and the sooner some people realize it the better. Please know that you and your hubby and darling little Pinxit are dearly loved. HUGS Momma

  3. Oh Tiffany I wish I could give you's a BIG squeeze. I wanna thank you's again for all the help with our wedding. Hopefully one day will be able to repay the kindness and generosity you's shared with us.
    I'm sorry to hear about all or this, you have a beautiful family*** And shouldn't have to deal with this kind of stress especially in your first year of marriage.... Don't forget how strong you's are, together you's can do anything! Sound's like you's will be out of there soon enough and won't have to deal with these issues anymore. We wish you's the best and miss you all so much! Can you send me your mailing information?? X.O.X.O.X.O Smile tootz, your beautiful***

  4. Hey Tiff - you and Adam are great parents to your daughter.. and certainly would be to any other child you either have or care for. parenting styles differ, but safety and attention to providing for what is needed to ensure Pinxit grows into a well rounded child is your main focus. I enjoyed the time you spent here... I hope you soon can be in a place of your own! Marlene

  5. We love you and miss you with every beat of our hearts....xoxoxoxoxoxo

  6. OMG - please remember that there are always two sides to EVERY story.

  7. Hey anonymous, clearly you are a coward as you are afraid to reveal your identity. Though it's true that there is a side to every story, there are no lies or fabrications to this story. The only other side to this story would be my sister claiming how we "did her wrong" which as a teenager they tend to be heavy on the dramatics, and my father, who isn't mentally well (clearly) as after you informed him of this blog he kicked us out, giving us only a week to move. Doesn't matter because he's the one who in the end will be homeless, as the house goes up for sale in August unless he catches up on rent (which he won't be able to do now that he's burned all his bridges)

  8. It's fine, within an hour of posting on Facebook about our situation, we had 4 places to live, and a wonderful friend offered to loan us $1200. When you're a good person and treat others well, you get it back. Now THAT is karma.